My reply was, “Yeah, I would like to!”
“What do you mean you would like to?
“I mean, yes I would like to, but no promises.”
I went on to further explain how lately I’ve been making plans but 3pm rolls around and I just can’t find the energy to leave the house. The call of a warm bath at 5pm and in bed by 7pm wins. It’s not often that I don’t WANT to go. I just can’t.
It feels like I am wading through 5 feet of water, with spots that are way too deep to stand and I barely can keep my head afloat.
It makes me feel like a shell of a person I once used to and want to be.
I wish I could describe how much pain and frustration it causes me. It breaks me, daily. It makes unknowing co-workers ask why I don’t work full time, or why I’ve only picked up part a shift and it’s not even overtime. I never mind answering, and having the questions asked doesn’t bother me. It’s the answer, it’s that MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS runs my life. It runs every waking moment and every decision I make. I need to know how a specific decision I make is going to affect me, either the next few hours or even days from then.
I don’t want to be frustrated and have it run my life. I don’t want it to be a constant thought and mild worry about the future. I also don’t want MS. That’s the bottom line. I know ANYONE who has a chronic/permanent disease says the same thing. But this is what I’m saying today.
I don’t want it anymore.
....and I don’t know what to do about that that.
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