A year ago today I was sitting in Vancouver in the UBC MS clinic and the neurologist confirmed the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. It was scary but relieving at the same time. It was nice to finally have a name to all of my strange symptoms. But also scary because I knew very little about MS and what it would and could do to me in the future....Since then I have been reassured and been well taken care of through different doctors, nurses, family and friends. It has been a crazy year as some of you may know.. but a good one none the less.
Wow, I cannot believe it has been a year, to be honest it feels like it has been way longer. Then on the other hand it feels like it has just flown by.
Hmm... as I look at this year ahead of me I am scared, which is better than where I was at a week and a half ago, I was just plain terrified for this year to start. I have never been scared/terrified for school before, but I could feel it start to creep in when my hands started to hurt when I thought about it. Along with school I was not looking forward to being back in Prince George. Some of my really close girl friends have moved from PG, granted I got one back this year. But I still wasn't feeling like I wanted to be here and was quite dreading this year.
As I was sitting in church this Sunday I was getting a little distracted from the sermon and pulled out my notebook and started writing down how I was feeling, "worried, scared, irritated etc" and then I was talking to God about how I wanted to feel content with Prince George. I didn't want to be looking for something else, something 'better', but I wanted to feel happy (or joyful) here.
However I also was thinking how hard it was to be joyful, when I was so tired, so drained and just didn't want to work hard to find the joy in things. I for a wee bit was ok with just giving up... It was at that moment that I looked up from my notebook and on the side it was titled "Joyful and Thankful Heart". Kind of a slap in the face moment...
It also went on to say "have an attitude of joy and gratitude in all aspects of our lives."
It was a feeling of "Oh yeah, this is what I've been telling myself all year, I can't give up now." It brought me back to one of the nights at camp where I shared my story at teen camp and I must have said it a dozen times, to count it all joy when you are tired, worn, frustrated, irritated etc. I know its not easy, but in the end it is worth it... that much I know for sure!
So looking at this year again, through eyes that well, sometimes work... I will take it one day at a time. I will do my best to find joy in the little things, or why not, even the big things :) I will work on being thankful and living with a heart of gratitude.
Am I still scared? Yes, I'm terrified and would love for that to change. I would love for the pain to stop and the numbness to go away, I want to be able to see again when I exercise, I don't want to give myself injections, I am irritated about those things... but I try to be only for a moment and then I remember that life is bigger than me, God is bigger than my MS and I know He has a plan for me.
I know this year is going to be hard, but I am hoping that it is another great learning experience. I know I have a great group of people who are coming along side of me and encouraging me and who have faith in me to do well.
I am excited to be able to look back at this year next year and see how much I've grown, or failed... who knows, but there will be something learned from this next bit in my life.
A year ago today, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis....everything changed.
Kate
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