[ 5 Years ] How do you define yourself?

I enjoy looking back at my Facebook memories. Well at first it's kind of funny, looking at my 16/17 year old self. What I found important and what I dedicated my time into.

Sports and friends

With those two things also came how I defined myself or identified myself. 

I was an athlete and a friend. 

Not to a lot of people, but a few good friends. We had tons of fun together, from sports trips, playing down by the river, going out late for slurpees, playing dress up, playing outside. Those years I never had to care about anything, food, money, transportation, education, it was all given to me without much ask.

So much of it taken for granted I've those years, especially my health.

Today marks 5 years of being diagnosed with MS. I find myself searching for my identity.  

I feel like there are at least 2 main ways we identify ourselves.
1. Either by something we are really good at and/or
2. something we spend the most time doing.

Reading different articles online I can see, people define themselves as their job, "I am a carpenter." It's what I do, my job and my life.
Or as a parent, "I am a mother" it's what they spend 98% of their time doing.
Therefore that is how they define themselves.

I don't think those are bad ways of defining ourselves, but there is more to you than just that.

I know I can say this out loud but that doesn't mean that I think that way. I 100% define myself as someone who has MS. I view it as apart of me, it's who I am not. I'm a 25 y/o who has MS. There are many days that I believe it's the only quality that defines who I am I use it all the time when I talk about myself.
I think that if someone doesn't know I have MS they don't know who I am. Which party makes sense, cause a lot of the reasons I do things in life is because of the disease. Activities, work, memory, interactions with people. I am constantly working and living around this disease.

So, I must ask myself why shouldn't I be defined by it? 

A.  It's not super healthy. As much as I want to believe it, I am not my disease. And there is so much more to me than it.

B. It can't be an excuse all the time. Well, maybe it can be, but it probably shouldn't make me stay away from particular things. Eg. Working full time, playing sports, getting more education, hanging out with friends or family. I found that over the past few years I feel like I talk about my MS a lot. (Granted, if you get a puppy, that's what you always talk about too, right?) It's a go to, it's something that is such a huge part of my life, it impacts everything.

C. I see myself as handicapped. I know I'm not on the same playing field as most people. I know how much I struggle to keep up with other people in life, energy wise, capabilities in life, etc.


Which also leads me to think that even my acquaintances see me as handicapped. I'm terrified that new people I meet or work with are going to see me as handicapped.

Or someone who can't keep up, can't perform as good as, think as fast, as, be as capable as someone who doesn't have MS.

D. I spend a lot of time wanting to prove people wrong when they talk about my MS. Not that they mean to, but some people become concerned about what I should or shouldn't be doing, or if I've remembered everything as I'm heading out the door.

I desperately want them to be wrong. 

I am driven on occasion to prove people in my life wrong.
(Other days I am content and I will just blame it on my MS)

What am I going to do about it? 

Tune into my next blog post when I have figured it out! ;)

Expectations

Wasn't until today that I read an article and it summed up a lot of my emotions over the past few months. 

It also reminds me of another article that a friend showed me a year ago or so. 

Here are the both of them if you want to peruse...

Expectations - Observation = Frustration

Wait But Why?

Expectations can rob us of living and enjoying in the current moment. 

We are all guilty of it, from the simplest of wishing for life to change and dreaming of what you are going to do to get there, to setting realistic or even unrealistic goals in your life. Don't get me wrong I really think goals are important. But I've found over the past few years I've dreamed up this life I imagined I would have by the age of 25. And believe me. I am far far from what I thought I would have right now, or who I would be by now.

Maybe I'll break it down further. So in grade 12 I thought I was a pretty big hotshot, I really did. I honestly didn't have much to worry about, I thought I was a great athlete, got good grades in school, had an awesome group of friends, "by far the hottest boyfriend in school"  and ready to get on with life. 

15 months after graduation I got slapped in the face with reality, at the time I didn't really think life really would change or could change into something I hadn't been dreaming of for the past 5 years. 

You know... by the time I turned 25 I fully expected to be celebrating at least my 2nd or 3rd wedding anniversary, we would've honeymooned across Europe for 9 weeks just like my parents did. I would've had an amazing career, maybe thinking about kids in the next few years, owned a house or at least getting ready to, had a really great group of friends (who actually lived in the same town as me). Maybe getting ready to go overseas and work in an orphanage or an organization that gave medical care to those in need. 

Like I said before dreams and goals are good, but they aren't my reality. 

As my brother as said in a few words, 

"Duh, your 25, single and living in your parents basement!" 

Not exactly where I expected my life to be at 25. I would also add to this sob story, a chronic illness. 

This is my reality. 

I will tell you I am doing well an am grateful for what I do have. I just have come to the realization of my frustration is because of my previous expectations I had for my life what I was 15. Why my 15 year old expectations for my life have any power over me is beyond me. But it does. 

So what is to be done about it? 

Some people have said counselling, not so much about the fact I'm not an all star basketball player anymore, but likely because of how much has hanged in my life over he past 5 years. Maybe I will cross that bridge sometime in the future. (It probably is healthy to talk about feelings as opposed to covering them up in a morbid sense of humour)

The flip side of all this is just don't have expectations for yourself in life, which in a sense agrees with me. Aren't we all so good at building something up in my mind that when it happens it will never be as good as I anticipated. In the end it leaves me disappointed or upset that it "wasn't as good as I imagined". 

But I believe there is some truth in that statement. I really can't keep trying to live up the expectations my 15 year old self had, duh. Besides I've already passed all my expected deadlines anyways. 

So it leaves me in a space where I question why I have put so much weight on what or where I thought I would be at 25. I honestly haven't figured out an answer for that. 

From the articles that I posted earlier I do have a few ideas that the authors have suggested....

1. Let your OBSERVATION take precedence over your EXPECTATION.  

2. Alter your reality or alter your expectations 

3. "Tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on." 

4. Stay ambitious. Don't give up on goals, hopes and dreams. 

5. "Ignore everyone else." I spend time thinking about what other people have, what they are doing, how much better their lives are because they seem so accomplished and put together and I don't. Is the grass really greener? 

"Does it still affect your life?"

He asked me, "Do you find MS still affects your life?"

I was probably too quick to answer, however my answer was "Yes, every waking moment of my day is affected by MS."

I have to plan my life around it. From what time I'm going to bed, to what I should eat to when I should drive somewhere or go out with friends, what it's going to be like in 5 years from now, the list goes on.

I truly wish it was one of those diseases that had an end date. I would love it if someone came to me and said,
 "Kate, it will be a long 5 years, (heck even 10 years) but after that period of time with treatment your disease has a 90% of recovery."
Give me a timeline and that would give me hope for my future. An end date, so I knew that I would go through all these hard times, but only for a short period. And then it would be done, all done, finished, for good.

Then again when I sit here exhausted writing this and it's only 2pm I know there IS and end date. And I also know that that end date is THE end date ,for my life. I honestly don't write this with sadness, but truth. (And frustration)

I know that no matter how terrible or how awful I feel, how much I wish my life wasn't a constant battle with fatigue.
But then again...
I still woke up today.  I had to drag myself out of bed. But I woke up
I walked all day at work. Even when my brain was done. But I could do it well.
I looked after those who appeared to be sicker than me. And was capable of doing so. Even tho I know I'm sick also.
I drove home. Knowing that I just had 5 more mins and then I could rest at home. But I was capable of doing so.

So yes, to answer the first question. MS affects my daily life. But I do my best to fight, to live each day the best that I can. To make those around me laugh, to make them feel like I am doing my best to help them at work or in my life. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed, some mornings I don't. I try to remind myself that some days will be better than others. And some are.

However, multiple Sclerosis unfortunately affects my life.

But I also do my best to make it so YOU don't know it affects every part of my life.

I live life the best I can, no matter what.